Juelz Santana - I don’t claim to be a doctor but even I know that whenever you have a fever, you probably shouldn’t be partaking in activities that will only serve to raise your body temperature. Plus I’m not even sure how, if you’re burning up like that, that a jacuzzi would even be comfortable. Does Juelz also take ice baths when he’s cold? I’m really hoping that when Ruger Rell is feeling under the weather he consults with someone like Jim Jones, who knows and has accepted on “I’m Ready” that he can still get arrested even if he’s “sick, stuffy [or] congested.” Dr. Santana he’s not.
Wiz Khalifa - Fuck you up like hot soup? Really? Come on, Wiz, you’re a rapper. Coming up with punchlines should be like getting soup hot - easy. The only thing Wiz fucks up here is his attempt to get his e-thug on. If someone came up to me and told me they were going to fuck me up like hot soup, I’d be so busy trying to figure out the relationship between getting my ass beat and a bowl of soup that I would probably never see the punch coming. I could understand if he was going to inflict violence on someone with a bowl of hot soup, but culinary warfare is so 2009. Another thing, when your tattoo ink weighs more than you, you probably shouldn’t be threatening fans via Twitter, although please don’t stop because that dude has it coming to him like cold pizza.
50 Cent - So you’re going to insult somebody’s intelligence by spelling the word that’s supposed to insult their intelligence wrong? Really? And you’re going to go all high class with a “r*****” blast? I always bristle whenever I hear rappers, or anyone for that matter, drop the r-bomb in their lyrics, interviews or anywhere else. Anyone who has or has worked with a kid with a disability knows how foul that insult is and it shows that 50 still has a lot of growing up to do.
Fans - I love all the fans mourning the loss of Fat Beats like they were losing more than what they really used the overpriced indie hub for - a place that was good for seeing what they needed to go download when they got home. If fans really were supporting Fat Beats, they would have been able to keep their doors open despite whatever was going on behind closed doors. And props to fans for telling rappers how they downloaded their albums. That’s something every rapper who’s trying to make money absolutely loves to hear. “Hey, man, you know that album you worked on for a year? Well, I could have copped it on iTunes and you would have gotten your $2, but I downloaded it for free but don’t worry - I support. See, I’m sending you a message on Twitter. Isn’t that support?” Rappers know 95% of their fans don’t support and it’s definitely a sore spot with most of them, so telling them what you’re doing is probably not the best idea. It’s like if your girl knows you’re cheating on her, you don’t need to let her know via Facebook that you’re taking her best friend to see Lottery Ticket.
Bow Wow - Hey, Bow Wow, we’re not really waiting for anything. Any movie that features someone whose claim to fame is running through cubicles for Reebok probably isn’t worth seeing. Also, what’s wrong with the 52 people who Retweeted it? Is your Twitter Feed really that pathetic that promoting a movie that shouldn’t even go straight-to-VHS is a good move for you? Sheesh!
- The number one award in our first week is a toss-up. I’m not sure if @TYYEEDYYEE should get it for not really doing her research on Maino or if Maino should get it for responding. A quick Google search as well as watching “Hi Hater” would have quickly told you that if you feel like e-slapping someone, even if you are a teenage girl, Maino is not the one. @TYYEEDYYEE’s slap game also appears to be a little rusty. She wants to grab Maino’s “no neck havin ass and slap the shit outta him.” One slight anatomical problem - asses don’t usually come with necks. If you’re going to penalize Maino for not having an ass with a neck, I think you’re obligated to give everyone else without an ass-neck equal treatment. If we can get past that part, it seems as though @TYYEEDYYEE would basically be grabbing Maino’s ass and smacking it, which is technically considered a spank. I’m not sure if @TYYEEDYYEE has ever talked to Gravy or Lil’ Cease, but she might want to think twice about a) how she chooses to assault people and b) who she chooses to assault.
* Quick sidenote - I absolutely love how @HustleHardGotti took up for Maino and basically twit-ethered this chick. No one, regardless if they’re a teenage girl, is going to say shit about Maino if Gotti has anything to do with it. Even if I was going to talk shit about Maino, I sure wouldn’t with Gotti around, because he even says that just because Maino doesn’t have time to deal with a “DISRESPECTFUL NUTHIN ASS,” he sure does and you can tell from his cross-species animal references that he’s not playing. From calling her a buzzard to “hound dog face,” Gotti angrily tells @TYYEEDYYEE that there is no ugly animal out there that she can’t be called.
Talib Kweli @RealTalibKweli easily takes the silver medal this week. Although he makes a valid point, Twitter is the last place on the internet where anyone should be trying to have a valid conversation. I know, I know, it’s where everyone is and besides, with 140 characters available, how could someone not make their point? Look, the only reason I go on Twitter is to...well...I actually don’t know why I go on Twitter. But I will tell you this. I don’t go on Twitter looking for intelligent conversation or debate. If I want to go debate stuff, I’ll join a local adult debate team and flex my intellectual muscles. If I want to talk current events, I’ll go to a coffee shop and bug someone trying to read a newspaper on their iPad. But I really hope I never go to Twitter in search of intellectual conversations. Kweli, lighten up. It’s Twitter!
Juelz Santana @thejuelzsantana did to the English language what Jerry Heller did to N.W.A. - straight killed it. I can even get past the obligatory A! and the whole “Ooooowwww” thing, even though I’m not sure exactly how to pronounce that. I feel like the sound he’s going for is “Owwwwwww” but the way he’s typing it, I would have to pronounce it “o-o-o-o-owwwwww,” which doesn’t sound nearly as tough. It just sounds like you stubbed your toe. Those two issues aside, Juelz battled his way through this nonsensical tweet and came out the loser. Just read those two sentences to the next person you see, word for word, and watch their response. I’m not sure if Juelz knows this, but a “wight” is something that is alive. So, Juelz, do you mean to tell me that you’re coming down the street with a human fleet of cars? Is this what’s become of Dipset? Are you trying to tell me that J.R. Writer and Hell Rell are curled up as wheels on your car as Duke Da God acts as a car seat? Or is each Dipset member their own separate car and they’re all racing down the street on all fours? I know none of Diplomats have really lived up to their potential in the last few years, but I had no idea it was as bad as it is. On top of that, Juelz is saying that he is “looking like I his got married.” What, are you rocking a tux as you roll down 40th St. on the back of Zeek? Do you have a boutonniere pinned to your t-shirt? Is there a ring on your left ring finger? Are there cans tied to Hell Rell’s feet and a sign on his shirt that says “Just married”? Juelz, I know you’re using Twitter to give us a better idea of how you rock, but really, if you ever invite me to hang out and go four-wheeling, I’m going to have to respectfully decline.
Man, it’s too bad Rawkus doesn’t have their own Twitter because I’d love to see them call Pharoahe @pharoahemonch a buzzard after posting this. If this isn’t a sign as to why a label that seemed to have everything going for it at one time folded like a girl scout tent. Worse than the fact that Rawkus never dotted their i’s or crossed their t’s on the Godzilla sample is that they never thought it would be a nice convenience for the Monch family to hire an environmental manicurist? I’m surprised Pharoahe even signed the contract without a landscaper clause. Sorry, but if you make “Simon Says,” that should totally exempt you from having to do yardwork for a least a couple years.
Some may call me conservative for this, but really, Pen @poisonpenbk, please do not advertise orgies on Twitter. If anything, we’ve learned two solid lessons this week - 1) No political discussions on Twitter and 2) No planning/advertising of orgies on Twitter.